To have and to hold means to forgive & forget. I know that it’s easier said than done. It hurts when your spouse does something destructive whether it’s infidelity, name calling, or keeping secrets. But once you decide to stay, no matter how much it hurts, you have to try to let it go. If you keep bringing up the event that you forgave them for it will turn into an endless string of arguments.

You have to have a forgiving heart in marriage. God is quick to forgive and slow to anger. This is an example we should follow in our relationships.

In the beginning of my relationship with Jeff, he would hold serious grudges and would keep throwing things back in my face. Something as simple as making him bad eggs. I am used to seasoning my scrambled eggs with lawrys seasoned salt. Growing up, that’s how my mother did it. He thought it was disgusting! He ate it but he said he was used to having just salt and pepper in his eggs and I agreed to do it that way for him from then on. But everytime the word ‘breakfast’ came up, he would bring up how bad the eggs were when I first made them for him. Mind you, I made it his way like 50 times since then! So you can imagine my frustration when he kept bringing up the one bad time. Every time you bring up the bad times, it is as if you are reliving it over and over again. Old feelings come up and you are literally bringing the past back to life.

Don’t resurrect your spouse’s past mistakes by talking about it over and over again. I told my husband how I felt about him constantly bringing up the bad eggs and he stopped. He actually felt bad that I told him I was hurt by his comments. The egg story can be applied to many other more serious situations. For example, if your spouse cheated, and you decided to work things out afterwards, you have to let it go. Bringing up their infidelity over and over again will only lead to more hurt, tears, and arguments.

Some people feel like forgiving and forgetting their spouse’s wrongdoings means letting them off the hook. This is not the case. You make you position clear and let them know the consequence if there is a next time. If the wrong doing keeps happening, then it may be time to seek counseling and to discuss whether or not both parties are still 100% invested. But if both parties want to make it work and still love each other very much then forgive AND forget. Your marriage will be much happier this way and this is more important than just trying to make a point.

I still remember an episode of Sex & The City when Miranda broke up with Steve after he cheated on her. They had a child together but she could not forgive him for what he did even though all her girlfriends felt that she should. She even felt like it could’ve been partly her fault and lashed out on Samantha when she made a remark about her not waxing her pubic hairs. Eventually Miranda and Steve sought out counseling and the counselor said that if they decide to move forward that they would both have to let it go and truly give it a fresh start. They met on the Brooklyn bridge and decided that they will be together and turn over a new leaf. From there they ended getting married and living happily ever after with their son.

I know that this is television but there is a lot of truth to this. If you decide to move forward with your spouse, you have to let the past stay in the past. Leave those exes back there, leave the hurt, the pain, and the bad memories. Pray everyday about it and focus on being happy in your marriage.