My husband and I were in a store returning blinds. He gave the lady the product and said they weren’t the right size. I proceeded to tell the lady that the product was defective but Jeff spoke over me to say that they just didn’t fit. Although this was true, I wanted to tell her that those were defective and should not have been put on the shelf in the first place. So that is what I did. Despite me knowing that he didn’t want me to go there- I went there anyway.

He used that as an example of how I don’t allow him to lead. I was surprised. But I had to be honest with myself and ask- why was it so important for me to say what I wanted to say? The result was the same. We got our refund and that was the intention. Why didn’t I just leave it alone and let him handle his way?

In these modern days, men’s roles as leaders and heads of households have been diminished. Commercials and media depict women as the ‘real’ leaders and decision makers of the home. However, just as any organization has a hierarchy of command, so does our home and marriage. Man is the natural leader of the home according to His word. The bible tells us that women are to submit to their husbands just as the church submits to Christ. It also tells us that men are to love their wives as Christ loves the church and gave up his life for. (Ephesians 5:22-24)

Many black women have had to be the leaders of their home because of our tragic history of families being ripped apart. Our households may consist of women as single moms or men who are present but simply don’t know how to lead. When young boys grow up without a good example of male leadership it translates to their adult lives. Their moms took the lead in their childhood home so it is only natural to allow another woman (wives) to do the same in the marital home.

The same goes for young girls who may not have had a good example of submitting to a man. We grow up learning to be independent and doing for ourselves. So when a man comes along and tries to provide leadership we are not receptive to it.

It’s In His DNA

Men are actually wired to lead. They are built for it. We have to allow room for them to take initiative and make decisions for the household without shutting them down or making them feel incompetent. This may be a learning process for both of you. As a woman it may be difficult for you to go with his ways or decisions. But allowing him to try things his way builds confidence and it becomes more natural as you go along. If it fails- that is ok. This is where patience to try comes in. As a very independent woman myself, I struggle with allowing my husband to lead at times. But I am learning to step back and to trust him.

Leading In Love

Male leadership must be rooted in love. Leading is not equal to dictatorship. The bible tells us in Ephesians 5:28-29 that husbands are to love their wives as their own bodies. Because no one ever hated their own flesh but rather nourishes and cares for it. Just as we are to submit to our husbands, he must submit to Christ. There must a power higher than him otherwise he may lead in an unruly way. Jesus gave us the best example of leadership. He is almighty but his life on earth showed humility, servitude, love, and self sacrifice. Jesus did not come on earth to force us to do things his way. He led by example. And those are the qualities the leader of the home should exude.

The Praying Wife

If you are a wife struggling with this dynamic in your home, prayer is where to start. Ask that God speaks to and through your husband. Talk to him about examples of good leadership and what you expect from him. We have to do our part also of allowing our husbands to take initiative and make decisions we may not always agree with. Practice patience with this step.

If he doesn’t take initiative, give him opportunities to lead with small things like asking him what time he would the family to be ready or what activity he would like to do with the kids this weekend. There is always going to be a give and take. Remember that you don’t give anything up by allowing your husband to lead. Instead you are adding to the rich dynamic of the home by allowing him to do God’s will.